Really? 20 Years?!

Donald Raymond Burch
March 13, 1929 - December 26, 1992

December 26, 1992.

That was the saddest day of my life, so far. It was the day I had to say my final good bye to my dad.

It's hard to believe it's been 20 years.

People always say when you lose a loved one, there will be good days and there will be bad days. And that you never really get over it. And that the grief will come out of no where. That was true in the beginning, for sure. Over the years, those bad days have been less, but I had no idea that 20 years later, grief would still sneak up on me.

This year, it has definitely snuck up on me. I don't know if it's because it's the 20 year mark or if it's because - now don't laugh - K and I watched the movie The Last Song around Thanksgiving. It was my second attempt trying to get through that movie because Miley Cyrus ruins it for me. (I don't think there is a worse actress out there that gets on my nerves quite like she does.)

If you haven't seen the movie, in a nutshell, she's a teenage girl that despises her parents and she finds out her dad has cancer. She gets the chance to spend time with him, get to know him and care for him as he's fighting his losing battle against cancer.

February 12, 1971

This made me sad as I reflected back on me losing my dad. When my dad was dying, it was just me and my mom at home. My siblings were adults and on their own or going to college so my mom and I were the ones there 24/7. I was just 14 years old. I say my mom and I were his primary care givers, but it was mostly my mom. (The strength she had during that time amazes me. She was strong for him, strong for us, and strong for herself. She deserves a medal of honor!)

Like I said, I was 14. I don't think I fully understood that my dad was dying and what that really meant. It meant that this was my last chance with him - and I wasted it. I mostly hid and ran from what was happening once he started going downhill. I remember trying to always be somewhere else - friends houses, neighbors houses, anywhere but home - and when I was home, I remember being locked in my room as much as possible.

Watching The Last Song, I realized how I cheated myself out of the last moments I would ever have with my dad. This broke me. All that time I spent in my room, I should have been at his side. Even if it was to just watch TV... to sit in silence. At least I was with him. Those times I escaped to friends and neighbors, I should have been hanging out with him.

Less than thrilled with my teenage shenanigans.
Possibly April of 1992

Should have, could have, would have... but didn't. I don't beat myself up for not handling it differently. I was just 14. I didn't know better. Sure, I knew about death - I had lost grandparents, but nothing can prepare you for the loss of a parent. Especially not at 14. So I am forgiving with myself that I didn't handle it then the way I would now, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still make me sad that it wasn't different.

Sometimes when people lose loved ones they have a hard time letting go of their grief because they believe that by letting go of their grief, they will somehow forget the one they're grieving. For me, that wasn't really an issue. I always thought - how could I ever forget my dad?! And then there was the day I realized that I had forgotten what my dad's voice sounded like. I just sobbed. It felt terrible. I had forgotten. My dad was a traveling salesman and every other week when he was out of town, we'd talk on the phone... and now I wouldn't even know his voice if he called me. It was a gut wrenching realization. I was sad for me. I was devastated for him - did he know I had forgotten and was he hurt that I could forget?! I felt almost like I had abandoned him somehow.

I wasn't just cheated out of his death, I was cheated out of his life, too. There were moments growing up that I wished he could have been there for - learning to drive, buying my first car, wrecking my first car, graduating high school, my wedding. You know, those big moments in life that parents are supposed to be a part of. (Thankfully, my mom was still a part of all those moments - I couldn't even fathom not having her to always depend on!)

1986

He got the opportunity to watch one out of three of his daughters graduate high school, graduate college, and walk her down the aisle. She got everything I didn't and I think how lucky she is to have had all that with him. However, she thinks I am the lucky one because she says I got more of him than any of the rest of the kids because he had a home office that he worked from when he was home so he was around more when I was growing up. Believe me, I cherish the memories I do have of that time... I just feel like I didn't value those moments back then like I would have later in my life. At the same time, I watched my other sister go through some very tough times with my dad in her teenage years - times I would not have wanted to go through with him.

I feel like I missed out on so much. He missed out on so much. We all missed out on so much! My dad died seven months before his first grandson was born. Oh, how I think he would have loved his grandkids and how they would have loved him!

It's hard to believe it's been 20 years. In my own mind, I guess I thought that after 20 years, his death wouldn't still haunt me. I was wrong. For whatever reason, the loss of my dad is weighing heavy in my heart this year. The grief doesn't cripple me like it did in the beginning, but it still lingers.

1979

Yesterday, on my way to work I was thinking about that last Christmas as I fought back the tears. That Christmas was a tough one, to say the least. He was too incoherent to partake in and Christmas activities - not that there were many that year - but it was the last time his whole family was all together under the same roof. (At least I think we were - for some reason, I think my one sister might not have been there on Christmas, but I cant imagine her not being there with how sick my dad was.) Although he wasn't coherent, I do believe that he somehow knew that it was Christmas and that his family was all there because he held on and made it through the day.

I know that my dad is still watching over us... I feel him the most when I am playing cards and people get pissed because I am relentless and kicking their butts (unless I am playing my mom - he's on her side then.) LOL But, what I wouldn't do for more time with him. A year, a month, a day, an hour, a moment... whatever it is, I would do just about anything for a direct connection to him again.

What advice would he give me? What life lessons would he want to teach me? What might he say to me? What would I say to him? Would he be proud? Is he proud?

So today, I will remember my dad. I will take the time to light a candle in his honor and think about the man he was - not perfect by any means, but at minimum, a good man, a good Dad. Some people don't ever get a chance to even meet their dad's. Some know them, but wish they didn't. While I feel the loss, I recognize the treasure I had in getting to have my dad for the time I did and knowing he was the best Dad he knew how to be!

November 1992

Reindeer Noses

Every year for the past few years, my mom has asked me to craft something for her Church's Holiday fundraising sale. The last three years she has asked me to do Scrubbies, which were not my favorite. You can learn how to make them and read about my disdain for them here. 

Well, my mom let me off the hook this year and asked me to make these cute tags instead of Scrubbies. (If I am honest with myself, she probably got tired of me bitching about doing them.) She found this idea on Pinterest, of course!

It started out rough:

I did not like how they were turning out. The lettering looked sloppy, they holly wasn't stamping right and the colored pencils weren't popping like I wanted them to. I think it was at this point I texted my mom this picture and told her that she really should have had my sister Melissa do them because she was much better at stuff like this. I even texted Melissa and asked her to take over the project. - They both assured me that it was cute, even at that point.  

 

 And then I was determined. I will make the letter stamps I have fit. I will find pens that I can color Rudolph with. I will make it happen. And it did. It finally came together and I was satisfied with it's cuteness. 

Overall, it was a fairly inexpensive project. I had to purchase the Reindeer stamp (hard to believe I didn't have one in my thousands of dollars worth of scrapbooking stuff!) I think I paid $1.50 for the stamp. I bought 2 packs of the tags - they came in packages of 10 for $1.99. Oh, and I had to buy the sparkle glue for Rudolph's nose. It was the most expensive at $3.99, but it came in a three pack of three different colors. I also used a 40% off coupon on each thing (yes, I made four separate trips to Michaels) so it really wasn't even that expensive. I had all the rest of the supplies in my reserve - holly and letter stamps, ink, pens. 

It turned out pretty darn cute, if I do say so myself! 

 Here's to wishing you all a very ....

Better than Pumpkin Pie

And believe me when I tell you I LOVE pumpkin pie! But, I am the only one in my house who does so usually half of the pie gets thrown out and then I overindulge in the left over cool whip. So this year, I decided to try something different... and they were a HIT!

Of course there are hundreds of pumpkin something or other recipes on pinterest, but I picked this one.  The pin led me to Mama B's Blog with the simplest, most delicious cupcake I have ever made.

Ingredients:

• Cake mix of choice (I used a spice cake mix but I imagine any flavor would work. - I wonder if a white cake would pull out the pumpkin flavor more. Hmmm...)
• 1-15 oz can of Pumpkin Puree

Frosting:

• 1 package of cream cheese, softened
• 1/4 cup of butter, softened
• 1 teaspoon cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 3 cups of powdered sugar

Mix the cake mix and the pumpkin puree in a stand mixer. Fill your muffin tin holders 3/4 of the way full with the batter. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Let cool completely while making your frosting.

For the frosting: mix all of the ingredients together until fluffy and frost your cooled cupcakes!

 The frosting is key. After baking the first batch (I made two so K could take some to work for her pot luck), of course I needed to taste test the cupcake to make sure it wasn't poisoned. I was actually a little concerned because it wasn't that spectacular. In fact, it seemed kind of bland and left a weird after taste. But I continued on.

Before I even frosted the cupcakes, I "accidentally" got some on my finger so, of course I had to check that for poison too and OH EM GEE! It was so good I about dropped to my knees. (Ok, that's probably a little dramatic, but I have to get the point across that it was good.) My SIL thought it was so good, she wanted just a bowl of frosting, skip the cupcake. I'm telling you - it was good. Did I mention how good it was? ;o)

I scooped the frosting into a piping kit (which my piping skills leave something to be desired as you see in the picture above), and started frosting these little pieces of heaven. I was able to exercise some self control and wait until after we ate our Thanksgiving dinner to test it out and seriously, I don't think I will ever buy another pumpkin pie again in my life! It was ah-mazing!

A few tips -- The cupcake batter comes out unusually thick. I questioned it, but it just made the cupcake a little more dense than the average cupcake, which I think made it better. Some people on Mama B's Blog said they added a little water. I s'pose you could do that, but I don't recommend it - they were perfect without the water.

Like the professional cupcake bakers I watch on TV, I used an ice cream scooper to scoop the batter into the cups. The first batch I made, I did a whole scoop... it was fine, but they came out a little bumpy and more like muffins because they expanded so much when they cooked. After that I did about 3/4 of a scoop and they turned out perfect... I got 28 cupcakes total and probably could have gotten 32 if I would have done smaller scoops for the first batch.

Last, but not least, we stored our cupcakes in the fridge. Partly because I feel weird about leaving cream cheese based food out. I'm not sure what the rule is, but I would hate to cause all my taste testers food poisoning because I left a dairy product out too long. Also, that's typically how we store our cakes. I don't know why, but I think cake tastes better cold. 

I really hope you will partake in this awesome, super simple, delicious treat! I promise, you wont regret it. If your a little skeptical of the pumpkin... or the fact that there's only two ingredients in the cupcakes, fine... don't make the cupcakes that way, but do yourself a favor and make the frosting... slather it on anything.

P.S. I hope you and yours had a wonderful Thanksgiving and found yourselves realizing you had more than enough to be thankful for.

Apple Cheesecake Bars

I got the original recipe from The Girl Who Ate Everything. She called hers Caramel Apple Cheesecake Bars. I decided to leave the Carmel off my title because the first night K and I ate this, I forgot the caramel. The second night, I remembered the caramel but as I grabbed the jar of caramel off the counter, I realized that it wasn't caramel at all, but it was butterscotch sauce. So, technically my version didn't have any caramel at all.

Ingredients: 

Crust:
2 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar

1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened

Cheesecake Filling:

3 (8-ounce) packages cream cheese, softened

3/4 cup sugar, plus 2 tablespoons, divided

3 large eggs

1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract 

 

Apples:

3 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored and finely chopped

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg 

 

Streusel Topping:

1 cup firmly packed brown sugar

1 cup all-purpose flour

1/2 cup quick cooking oats

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened

1/2 cup caramel topping

 

Directions:

 

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. 

 

For the crust:

In a medium bowl, combine flour and brown sugar. Cut in butter with a pastry blender (or 2 forks) until mixture is crumbly. Press evenly into a 9×13 baking pan lined with heavy-duty aluminum foil. Bake 15 minutes or until lightly browned. 

 

For the cheesecake filling:

In a large bowl, beat cream cheese with 3/4 cup sugar in an electric mixer at medium speed until smooth. Then add eggs, 1 at a time, and vanilla. Stir to combine. Pour over warm crust. 

 

For the apples:

In a small bowl, stir together chopped apples, remaining 2 tablespoons sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Spoon evenly over cream cheese mixture. 

 For the streusel topping: 
In a small bowl, combine all ingredients. I like to really combine it by using my clean hands to thoroughly combine the butter into the mixture.

Sprinkle Streusel topping over apples. Bake 40-45 minutes, or until filling is set. Drizzle with caramel topping and let cool. Serve cold and enjoy! Make 16 servings.

It's a lot of steps, but I think they're worth it. Next time I might use more apples, but it was delish just the way it was. I would make it again, for sure but it was waaaay too much for just me an K. It would have to be a dish I share in the future, or take to a gathering.

Crock Pot Taco Chili

Well, hello strangers! Have you missed me? I have missed you. 

I am still adjusting to my new job. I am used to having a lax work environment where I could just blog from work (on my breaks, of course. Psh.) and my new job is literally no internet, no email, no phones, etc while on the floor. I mean, I get it... we need our attention to be on saving lives, not surfing the net, but it's tough to find time to blog from home. And really, by "finding time" I mean finding the desire to want to take the time to turn on the computer, format pictures, down load pics and all the other fun stuff it takes to post a blog. Not to mention that I work from 9:45am to 8:00pm. I feel like my entire day is at work. I wake up, come home, eat dinner, unwind a bit by watching bad TV (since baseball is over GO GIANTS!!!!!!), and go to bed. Where is the time for blogging in there? ;o) 

Whatever, I am here now and that's what really matters. Just because I haven't been blogging, doesn't mean the projects have been lacking. One of the things I have been up to is making some chili. Taco Chili to be exact. It's a recipe I used to make all the time, but I haven't made it for a few years. 

Ingredients

• 1lb ground beef (or turkey or fake meat/crumble) - browned and drained
• 28-oz. can crushed tomatoes
• 1 can corn - undrained
• 1 can black beans - undrained
• 1 can kidney beans - undrained
• 1 packet Ranch dressing mix
• 1 packet taco seasoning (I used the less sodium)
• 1 small onion - chopped
• Fritos (or any tortilla chip)
• Shredded cheese
• Sour cream

Directions

• Combine all ingredients except shredded cheese, sour cream, and Fritos in slow cooker and give it a stir.
• Cover and cook on low for 4-6 hours. 
• Garnish individual servings with chips, cheese, and sour cream.

This is yummolicious! :o) Now if we could just convince the beautiful So Cal weather to take some time off so we can enjoy some cooler fall temps, we'll be perfect! :o)

That's all I have for you this round. I have other recipes and projects to share, but not today... probably not tomorrow... maybe this weekend. We'll see. Just be patient with me. Hopefully, I will get my groove back soon.